Small word. Big impact

Almost 30 years ago, I lived in a small house closely situated to the equally small house next door. In the middle of one summer’s night — windows were open — I was wakened by the woman next door saying loudly, fiercely, unequivocally “NO!" Then, silence. I pondered the meaning of what I had heard, then went back to sleep. The next day, the woman's boyfriend moved out. I have always remembered her No and his leaving. I can imagine the mid-night context of her exclamation, and I am quite sure of the next day's action. A powerful learning.

Roughly 20 years ago, I worked with a woman for whom No was the opening gambit of just about any conversation. In a position of influence and authority, she would meet a proposal or request with a No, then follow it up with whatever reasoning she deemed appropriate: Too expensive. Not clear enough. Too soon. Too late. Not relevant. Whatever, it didn't matter, because that No, predictable though it became, in fact, pushed us — certainly it pushed me — to take another run at the idea, to pursue a different line of research. Whatever, it didn’t matter. Her No, to me, was a call to dig deeper, to try again, to persuade her to say Yes, even if she first said No again.

N. O. Two letters that add up to a small word with big potential. 

In a recent documentary, Jane Fonda said, "I've only known for 10 years that No is a complete sentence." She was, I believe, in her late 70s. Late in life to learn this important truth.

For she is right. No is, in fact, a complete sentence. It is powerful, with tremendous effect when spoken with conviction and commitment to its meaning.

And its meaning is inescapable, unambiguous, clear. It puts the speaker in the driver's seat: Whatever words follow, the No precedes them in order and supersedes them in meaning. And therein lies its impact. That teeny tiny 2-letter word can shift the power balance — outside us and, so importantly, within us.  

About five years ago, a contractor was haranguing us for payment, when it had been established at the beginning of the work that the project lead was responsible for the funds. The contractor was trying to sweet talk my partner into paying him early, in cash, so I stepped in and opened with “No.” I don’t recall the rest of the exchange, but I do recall clearly that the guy stopped wheedling, packed his tools and left the property. By opening with that tiny, powerful word, and then standing my ground, I signalled to him my refusal to engage on his terms. I might not have earned any points for politeness, but I surely earned them for effectiveness. 

Yes. No can deny possibility, creativity, even truth, so the word must be spoken with full consciousness of precisely the power it holds. It was Nellie McClung, member of Canada’s Famous Five early feminists, who said, “Never explain, never retract, never apologize, just get the thing done and let them howl.” 

Saying No is a short-cut to the same effect. The reaction to it may be discomfort, even disbelief (even in 2019), for it is still unusual to hear (especially) a woman say No calmly, clearly, unequivocally — say No, in fact, as a complete sentence. 

It may take a bit of practice for it to feel natural coming off your lips as the opening gambit, but the results are worth the effort. Say it as often as needed in any conversation to make the message heard, but for goodness sake, say it.

If you haven’t yet made a New Year's resolution, pledging to say No as a complete sentence several times a week might be a good one to make for next year. Yes?