A Post a Day in May #2: Giving and Receiving

I have pledged to write a new post for this blog every day in May.

It’s easy to be generous, right? When you give a gift, you’re being generous, right? 

Not necessarily so, say I. 

Generosity is an interesting attribute. Defined as the ‘quality of being kind and generous’, where ‘generous’ means ‘giving more than necessary’ and ‘showing kindness towards others’, generosity is most usually understood as being demonstrated in the giving of it. But the other day, I was reminded by a colleague of how important it is to be generous when on the receiving end of a kindness. Be appreciative, sure. But be generous, too. Let me explain. 

This colleague is new to my work group and, while we’ve not known each other long at all, we connected and got right down to productive collaboration. She’s smart, hardworking and fun. Which is why I should have been more generous when she paid me a compliment. 

“You’re a leader, Amanda,” she said. 

“Oh, pshaw,” said I, or something to that effect, batting her words away so they wouldn’t land on me and I wouldn’t need to claim them publicly for the truth that I can, within myself, acknowledge. I am a leader, but I also know that social conditioning suggests that expressly admitting to this skill is unseemly and, maybe, especially so for a woman. 

“No, no,” she said. “I’m giving you feedback, Amanda, and you need to take it. Feedback, especially when it’s positive, must be accepted by the receiver. Don’t throw it back at the sender.” 

Well. That stopped me in my tracks. For goodness sake: I teach the sender/receiver/feedback model all the time in my classes, and I stress the importance of feedback: the need to give it, to respond to it, to recognize the value of it. And here I was, repelling feedback from a highly credible source, because it was positive — because it was praise directed at me. 

In that split-second exchange, I was reminded of what I believe: That being generous often means receiving the gift with grace and appreciation; it means accepting what is being offered — tangible or intangible — precisely because it is meant for you. 

I value the compliment my colleague paid me, but I value even more the truth she reminded me of: That it’s not nothing to be generous in the receiving — it’s everything. It honours the giver while laying open the receiver to the kindness that came their way. And this is where the challenge lies. 

Feeling beholden leaves us vulnerable to emotions that can make us uncomfortable. So we minimize the gift or ignore it or repel it, as our defence against that most human of all feelings: vulnerability. 

While it may be easier to give than to receive, it is often more generous to willingly accept a kindness and, in so doing, to be profoundly and humanly vulnerable in that act of receiving. 

Thanks for reading. 

- - - - 

Writers want to be read; at least, this writer wants to be read, so comments, rebuttals and feedback are all welcome. Subscribe to the blog to receive the posts direct into your email inbox.