Anniversary in three lessons

Val and I have been together for 27 years, and today is our seventh wedding anniversary.

Wedding day:
Amanda, Randa (friend and
marriage commissioner), Val 

VOICE RAISED

Tension had been building in me all day, though I wasn't aware of it until conversation at the supper table took a turn from which I could not reverse. My voice got louder. My comments more cutting. My delivery more animated. Finally, I crashed the container onto the counter and left the kitchen, saying over my shoulder that I'd be back in an hour.  

I went for a bike ride, releasing emotional steam as my legs pumped the peddles and the miles disappeared beneath the wheels. I reached the local baseball diamond and stopped. I turned my attention to the innocent though fierce competition between the two teams and, within not very many minutes, recognized that I had overreacted, that my behaviour was unbecoming an intelligent woman, and that, having realized this, I was able to return home. 

I practised saying, ‘I apologize unreservedly for my behaviour’ and, on arrival, said those words to Val, who had borne the brunt of my earlier outburst. In turn, she acknowledged the emotions that had been building in me since my return to work, said my outburst was understandable and welcomed me home. 

Lesson on an anniversary: Communication — at any volume — is key in a long-term relationship. 

BILLS IN THE MAIL

I had lost my job several months earlier and was still getting used to my status as a self-employed writer and editor. Some days, the mail brought a cheque from a client, but more often it delivered bills into the house. That day’s mail brought my credit card bill and it made me anxious. Could I pay this bill? Would I be able to find enough work to keep food on the table and to pay future bills? 

I turned to Val and asked her why she wasn’t more anxious, why she didn’t share my concern about our finances. She turned to me and said, very calmly, “I have every confidence in you. Of course you’ll find work and keep earning money.” 

That quiet calm statement of confidence lit a flame of security in me that burns steady to this day. 

Lesson on an anniversary: A good partner fuels your self-confidence and nurtures your sense of potential.

CANCER  

Twice in our 27 years together, Val has faced a cancer diagnosis. Both times, she has faced the frightening news and tackled the unpleasant treatments with a steadfast commitment to regaining her health and to returning to active living. 

After the first diagnosis, I learned that it was a path she had to walk herself; I could be with her, but I could not do any of it for her. I could offer support and be understanding, but the scars and the pain are Val's alone to bear. And she does so with self-awareness and, more often than not, with equanimity. 

Fear of recurrence lurks deep in my mind, but the love we share colours my world bright and keeps me hopeful for many years more together.  

Lesson on an anniversary: Love trumps fear, always.  

The world would be a better place if everyone were as fortunate as I am to have a partner who talks and listens openly, who believes in me, and who loves me deep and true. Thank you, Val. xo