Solo living
Except for one year of my undergrad studies when I lived in a furnished studio apartment, I have never lived alone.
And sometimes I fantasize about doing it again.
Note, this fantasy is not about trading in or doing away with my splendid partner. No. I love Val and enjoy her company immensely. This is pure fantasy about space ownership — at every level: arrange and rearrange the furniture whenever I please; paint the walls (well, have them painted) any colour I like; stay up later, eat earlier, play the radio louder…and so on.
My fantasy was fuelled by a recent episode of BBC Radio’s The Conversation in which two women, Hannah Carmichael from England and Sreemoyee Piu Kundu from India, talked about how rewarding it can be for women to live alone.
With greater financial independence than ever before, many women today have the means to rent or own their own living space. And with that possibility, say Hannah and Sreemoyee, comes the freedom to eat whatever you want when you want, to dance naked in the living room, and to never have to pick up anyone else’s socks.
But solo living, as they call it, is not without its challenges. All responsibility for everything rests on your shoulders: When Hannah came back to her own flat after her father’s funeral, she sat down and cried at the sheer weight of the burden she felt from managing her own life in her own home — no one else around to share even a moment of it within those four walls.
I felt for her on that point, but what really struck me was the comment about dancing naked. That freedom does not sit high on my own list, but it did remind me of the conversation I had years ago with a woman who wept with joy at the freedom she felt when, for the first time ever in her life, she was living alone and, thus, was able to walk freely through her space without fear of ridicule by anyone at her sizeable body.
Women know the importance of a room of our own. It seems that an entire living space can take that sense of empowerment to the next level.
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Hannah Carmichael founded The Living Well Alone Project https://livingwellalone.com/
Sreemoyee Piu Kundu interviewed 3,500 women in India about their experience of living alone, and wrote Status Single telling their stories.
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A Post a Day in May No. 27 For the past two years, I have posted something to this blog every single day in May. This year, I hope to do it again.
Photo by Nathana Rebouças on Unsplash
I married young at 19, even before getting my diploma. I’ve been happily married for 25 years before my husband had a breakdown and left to live with an other woman.
ReplyDeleteI was devastated. It was the end of the world as I knew it.
Until then, I had been responsible for my little brothers, then my husband and my daughter. I had placed their happiness before mine. My husband was gone and my daughter was living her adult life.
The most difficult part was to acclimate myself to myself, to discover what I really liked and what I wish for myself. I now had to dedicate my life to my happiness .
Fast forward, I’ve lived alone for the last 24 years. I didn’t closed the door to a new love but it didn’t happened and I don’t miss it.
I love my life. It is not always easy as I shoulder all the responsibilities but it is worth the cost.
Total freedom is very heady and I’m not sure I could give it up now.
Virginia Woolf nailed it: “A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.” Or write anything or read or merely be. Especially be.
ReplyDeleteI understand the need to be alone sometimes, more so this year than ever. I did not spend a night alone until I was in my mid-thirties. More on that another time. Now I get up a couple hours before my partner, and go up to bed a couple of hours earlier. This suits us both, not sacred time but nearly.
There was a period of about two years when I didn't have a live-in partner. I had a California mission duplex, over/under, and I rented the "over", with a little porch and a view of the Pacific, half a block from the sand. Heaven on earth, and it is this place I go in my mind, remembering all the advantages and disadvantages that living alone means.
Funny story. When I first moved into the beach abode, my ex came to help me unpack. And started hanging pictures. I stood back, let her do as she pleased, and when she left, I took them all down and then hung them in completely different places and arrangements.
Ann - your beach house sounded DREAMY!
DeleteI love your story of the pictures. I could NEVER let anyone hang my pictures for me! It was nice of you to indulge her, and then calmly put things right after she left - haha!
Amanda - it's hard for me to imagine having lived so much of life NOT alone!
ReplyDeleteAfter moving from my childhood home at age 20, I lived on my own for 13 years with only brief forays into relationships that included a bit of conjugal living. After that came the "serious" marriage that lasted for 25 years until he lost his mind over a girl 35 years younger than himself and simply trashed everything we had together. That propelled me into 9 years of living by myself again, and trying to rebuild. Life all alone on the other side of a marriage is completely different, especially if there was a betrayal to recover from. I gradually got over the bitterness, but it took a lot of inner work and grieving.
Mostly I enjoy living on my own, but living with someone you really care about can be beautiful. Last year I moved from Winnipeg to Montréal where I am having a wonderful time sharing an apartment with my daughter. And I am fortunate enough to have more options for the future, as love has found me again.
But more than half of all women will outlive their partner at some point, and I think we must all prepare ourselves for that possibility. When and if that happens, our best resource is our good friends - usually other women - and some of the best living arrangements involve women living in groups together, with private spaces to withdraw to for the alone time that is also necessary.