Talk is cheap, unless you know what to say and when to say nothing at all
I was reminded of this incident from more than 30 years ago, when I read a post online last week, the gist of which was how difficult it seems to be for so many to say the right thing to a friend or colleague in the face of their sad or distressing situation. It’s true; it can be hard, and I would be lying if I said that I had never crossed the street (literally or metaphorically) to avoid someone to whom I did not know what to say. Really? Yes, really. Avoidance is a human trait; because an uncomfortable situation is akin to a certain kind of conflict, avoiding it is one approach. To be sure, it’s not the most elegant or productive, but it might be better to step aside than to put one’s foot in it, no?
Well, I think it depends.
It depends on one’s fluency with interpersonal communication, which is tied into one’s sense of self and one’s willingness (ability) to be vulnerable. I believe this, but it’s Brené Brown who explains it so effectively in this short video that details the difference between empathy and sympathy. In brief, what can make something better in a difficult situation is connection — not a specific response (“I would change the locks”), not a silver lining (“Well, at least you have home”), not a suggestion (“Why not move?”), but connection. This can be acknowledgement of what has been said, “I hear you,” and, maybe, an offer, “I am sorry and I can listen. Tell me more.” Or maybe it’s just a nod of the head, a reaching out of your hand to theirs, and the sharing of supportive silence. Whatever it looks like, connection is ‘being with’ the person rather than ‘doing to’ the person.
This requires a bit of imagination, a lot of courage, and a fair amount of grace. Put those component parts together, along with a bit of skill, and you have what is called ‘communicative competence’: the ability to meet not only your own needs but the other person’s, too; to be positive, supportive and non-threatening; and to manage conflict effectively when it arises. This is complex, and being competent in this way doesn’t arise spontaneously within us; it develops over time when we put effort and attention into learning how to communicate for connection rather than solution.
During my college-teaching days, so many students across a wide variety of programs rebelled at their need to pass the communication course I taught. “I’m never going to be a manager or need to speak to customers,” they would say. “I am going to work with my hands, so communication isn’t something I need to learn,” they would say. I would try to persuade them that communication is an everyday skill; the open-minded among them saw the advantage of being able to speak with intent and authority, not just during a job interview (they quite easily saw the need for that) but also, routinely, in a primary relationship or, exceptionally, at times of great stress, such as when a friend tells you they’re getting divorced or their child has died, or you have to speak at a funeral or a wedding: If ever there is a time to connect with people for meaning not solution it is at such times, and the skill and empathy to do so can be learned by anyone. It “merely” takes the courage to connect with people’s feelings rather than to present them with solutions.
No small task, but also not an impossibly big one either.
If, over time, we feed our imagination, practice our courage, and are open to grace when we most need it, we will find it possible to empathize with our friend or colleague in their moment of distress without falling prey to shoving an answer at them that may be as ill advised as it is ill fitting for them.
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Land acknowledgement: I respectfully recognize that I live on the original lands of Anishinaabe, Cree, Oji-Cree, Dakota and Dene peoples, and on the homeland of the Métis Nation.
Photo by Alec Favale on Unsplash
The expectation that something weighty must be said is the problem. A simple expression of sympathy for what happened is all that’s needed. Keep it simple. Just do it.
ReplyDeleteI usually feel empathy for people’s situation. As an introvert, it is difficult for me to express it face to face because I am slow to process the feeling I perceive and to adjust.
ReplyDeleteI’m far better in writing.
In the last two years while my sister fought against breast cancer, I took a lot of time choosing cards with designs speaking to me, helping me to express my empathy in writing . My sister appreciated them and kept the ones that helped her the most.
Others in the family phoned but I knew it was not an option for me.
Danielle
Thank you, Amanda! Well said.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Coach, you mind reader you, I needed this today.
ReplyDelete