One 30-year anniversary. Three pearls of wisdom.

Val (left) and Amanda, before they knew each other

Once upon a time, two girls were born — in different decades, in different countries, to different sets of parents. One was an only child (Val), the other a middle child (Amanda). Both grew up in families where the love was sound, the home secure, and the future confident because the parents made it so.

These two little girls knew love as they knew air to breathe. So, when they met in Winnipeg, many decades later, on a mutual friend’s introduction, they recognized in each other their equal and their combined potential. While it wasn’t quite a coup de foudre (circumstances were too complicated for that), love found its way and, this year, they mark 30 years of building a life together.

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Hard to believe, but true. Thirty years. Wow. While I think it’s wrong to glorify the longevity of a relationship for its own sake, it is definitely not wrong to celebrate the relationship by marking the anniversary of its beginning.

Val and I didn’t get legally married until our 20th year together; this year’s 30th anniversary recognizes the moment when, way back in 1993, on an autumn hike in Manitoba’s Riding Mountain Park, we confessed our attraction to each other. Thereafter, things got rolling.

Our wedding was a tiny event, with a mere dozen friends present in our home, organized in haste before Val’s first chemo treatment for the cancer that had returned. For this reason, August 31 has become our formal anniversary date.

Thirty years, Google tells me, is the “pearl” anniversary. None hang around my neck, nor Val’s, but here are three pearls of wisdom that have been nurtured from my life with Val.

A long-lasting relationship is a partnership between equals: Synonyms for ‘partnership’ are cooperation, collaboration, and alliance, among others. The meaning is to be ‘with’ someone, walking the same path, heading in the same direction, having each other’s interests in mind. This describes well what I found in partnership with Val. Sometimes, the niggly details trip us up in disagreement or irritation, but the foundation remains strong. Over the years, we have learned to give and to take the space needed — most often with grace and good humour; we have learned how to talk through angst and annoyance — most often with productive results; and we have learned new skills from, and with, each other — most often with laughter and appreciation along the way.

Daily companionship supersedes extraordinary adventures: Intimacy comes in many forms, including sharing the ritual of early morning tea, then coffee; unclouded silence at the dinner table; watching the nightly news together with ice cream and chocolate; enjoying the sound of the waves on the lake at the cottage; and indulging our cat Holly, one of several we have ‘raised’ together. Our days are mostly ordinary and mostly good, and we are mostly content. After 30 years together, I’m not sure I want or need more than that.

Belief in each other is the cornerstone: Val doesn’t hold all the answers, and neither do I. But, together, we can figure out just about anything that comes our way: from cancer to cottages, from losing jobs to leaving college teaching. She believes in me. As I do in her. Val is my first reader and my committed cheerleader; no one is happier about my writing finding its way to publication than Val is — no holds barred, she celebrates my success. This generosity of spirit defines Val’s character, and I benefit from it every day.

A bonus pearl from Val, who says, “Never mind all else, just pick the right person.” While that is maybe a bit flippant, it is also true. My father once said to Val that he and she had been lucky to find their life partners with whom they could build a meaningful life. “So many don’t meet the right person,” he said. I am grateful that I did.

If the early days of a relationship are all butterflies and Disneyland, these later decades are more solid carthorse and time at the cottage. Routine wins the day and spectacular views are most happily enjoyed from the comfort of our own deckchair.

Thank you, Val. Here's to many more of all this, together. 

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Land acknowledgement: I respectfully recognize that I live on the original lands of Anishinaabe, Cree, Oji-Cree, Dakota and Dene peoples, and on the homeland of the Métis Nation.