The hard work of giving — and receiving

The gift from my godmother was an anthology of children’s stories — a replica of one already on the family bookshelf, but I was happy to receive my very own copy for my own shelf. Which is exactly what my seven-year-old self said in the thank you note that I was laboriously composing at the kitchen table while my mother did the dishes. When Mum read my words, she suggested that I maybe didn’t need to include the bit about the family already having a copy, but I insisted. I likely thumped my fist on the table and maybe I stormed off in a huff at having my message edited; I can well imagine I might have. In the end, I believe the note was sent as I had written it; maybe not, I don’t remember. But what I do remember is the feeling of fraughtness associated with a gift given and the obligation to acknowledge it in a socially and personally acceptable way.

In short, what I remember to this day — and know from ongoing experience — is that gift giving and gift receiving is hard.

The season is upon us when this hard experience will be felt by untold numbers of humans in every corner of the world, so here is my tiny heartfelt gift to anyone who needs it this season. 

Amanda’s Six Rules of Gifting*

    Rule 1: Give nothing out of a sense of obligation

    Rule 2: Give nothing with the expectation of thanks or appreciation

    Rule 3: Give nothing for the mere sake of the season

    Rule 4: Do not receive a gift with a sense of obligation to reciprocate

    Rule 5: Prepare for how to best express your thanks for the act of giving if not for the actual gift itself

    Rule 6: Accept a gift with an open heart, always, and especially when offered out of genuine commitment to the spirit of the occasion: kindness, generosity, connection.

What I love most about giving a present is the hoopla that goes into making the giving happen — the thinking about the person, the wondering about what might be right for them, the making of or shopping for that perfect item, the wrapping of it…It’s at the giving it stage that things can fall apart: “Oh, I have nothing for you!” says the recipient (see Rule 4 above). “Oh, you shouldn’t have; there was no need for this,” says the recipient (see Rule 6 above). “Oh. What is this?” says the recipient (see Rule 5 above).

Please. If you get a present from me, it’s because I want you to receive it from me. With an open heart and the spirit of generosity that surely infuses our friendship — as I will receive anything you might give me. But, truly, there is no need. Be my reader; that is gift enough for me.

* I use the noun ‘gift’ as verb here only because it makes a better title, not because I approve of this trend in the English language…

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Land acknowledgement: I respectfully recognize that I live on the original lands of Anishinaabe, Cree, Oji-Cree, Dakota and Dene peoples, and on the homeland of the Métis Nation.

Photo by Patrick Pahlke on Unsplash