Beginner’s mind is more advanced than you might think

“Hmmm. Can I do it? Should I do it? Will I do it?”

Stutter
Stumble
Silence
Awkward mumble
Another stutter
Breathe 
Regroup
Stop being afraid of making a mistake 
Dig deep for the words and
Speak 

Doing an interview in French on live radio is different than doing an interview in English on live radio. This will not surprise you, but I was reminded recently of just how different the experience is.

I had written an opinion piece about the importance of the arts in our community and, happily, I discovered it published in our local newspaper on Thursday of last week. I had submitted it on spec, with no real expectation it would be accepted because many many years ago I had written an opinion piece on reproductive rights that was rejected for being polemic rather than interesting and, because we hold experiences in our body until we expel them, that experience was very much with me as I wrote and then submitted this op/ed piece. So seeing my words in print on page A7 (at the bottom of a page dominated by a picture of Donald Trump) was validating (beyond reasonable measure, really) and is a high in my writing life.

Over the course of the day, I received lovely positive comments from friends and even a few strangers, and then my phone rang.

It was a CBC Radio producer for the French morning show. Might I be interested in coming on the next morning to talk about my column? Yikes! While I am always up for a radio interview, it has been a long time since I’ve done any media in French.

Well, I said, if you’re willing to put up with my rusty French, yes, sure, I’ll come on air.

My nervous system went into overdrive. Knowing how to conjugate a verb or how to pronounce a word in French is very different from being able to fluently talk about a subject never before discussed in this particular language. Communicating is not only about words, but if we don’t have the words, expressing ourselves is supremely difficult.

Suddenly I was back in my 17-year-old body, at the butcher shop in Grenoble, France, where Madame had sent me to buy meat for supper. I didn’t have the words to ask for a bigger roast, so I arrived home with a puny thing that would barely serve the family that evening and would definitely not provide any helpful leftovers for the next day. Madame was a tad disappointed in me, but no more than I was in myself. Unreasonably so, but for someone who has peddled in words her entire life, not having the right words to hand is beyond frustrating. It is stressful and feels shameful.

To prepare for the unexpected radio interview, I read over my piece, looked up French translations on line, and hoped for the best.

Once in the studio, there was no turning back. The mic was live and the host was asking me why I had written my “love letter to the arts”. I hadn’t expected that question and was unprepared. That’s when I stuttered and stumbled and got something out, but it was clear that my French was more than a bit rusty; it was clunky and awkward.

Just breathe, my back brain told me. You can do this.

Yes, but without the words, what can I say?

Something, anything. Radio abhors dead air.

In the end, the six or so minutes of live radio unfolded without any blood on the floor and then I was outside and heading home again. What did I achieve? Did I add to the greater understanding of the arts and their value in our very commodified lives these days? I hope so, though I am not sure. Will I do it again? Maybe. But — and it’s an important but.

I can speak French — or at least, French exists as a language in the depths of my mind that would and could be brought forward with time and practice — but just because I can speak French doesn’t mean I have the vocabulary required for the specific topic in question. To brush up and be well prepared takes time and energy, and I don’t think that, next time, I will assume that I have enough of either to feel confident on air. Though I love a microphone and the chance it gives me to share my views, this most recent experience is giving me pause about the value of taking on a challenge bigger than the tools I have to hand.

Beginner’s mind is a Zen concept that encourages “the letting go of preconceptions and having an attitude of openness … When you are a true beginner, your mind is empty and open” enabling you to be fully present to embrace what is rather than to lament what is not. Relative to my French radio interview skills, then, beginner’s mind would be me being ok with stumbling and stuttering my way through with mistakes and no hesitation to toss in English words or phrases as required to make my point. It’s a good concept, but when it comes to speaking French on live radio my ego and my pride get in the way of beginner’s mind, which is precisely the issue, of course: stutter, stumble, stammer…

Good advice I heard once is to not shy away from a challenge but to not take on a challenge that makes you throw up from nervousness and anxiety. While I stopped well short of tossing my cookies last week, I think I might have the courage next time to say, Thanks, but no thanks. Live radio and my level of French don’t mix. But ask me anything you’d like in English.

Because in English, these words roll off my tongue without effort and with a lot heart — 

There is no panacea for what ails the world today. But the arts have a serious role to play in finding the healing it needs.

While $20 million sounds like a lot of money for the arts in our city and province, it is a tiny drop in the bucket of what could be if we had the courage to commit to the creative act as the transformative one it can be.

… Let’s use our words to tell our stories to change our world. Let us fund the arts as if art could save us all. Because it just might.

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Land acknowledgement: I respectfully recognize that I live on the original lands of Anishinaabe, Cree, Oji-Cree, Dakota and Dene peoples, and on the homeland of the Métis Nation.

Photo by YoonJae Baik on Unsplash