The practice of principles

The big meeting I had recently did not net me the result I wanted or, frankly, was expecting. The decision makers chose the status quo not change. I had really wanted the chance to implement my proposal, and I’m disappointed that I don’t have it. 

I realize that part of what I’m wrestling with is a relatively unfamiliar feeling: not getting what I want. I'm not talking about not getting the doll I wanted when I was seven (I had been hoping for a Betsy Wetsy, but she was not under the tree for me) or not getting the lead role in the school play. I'm talking about not getting something that was meaningful to me as a seasoned professional, something that I believed my track record had earned me.

In contemplating my feelings about this loss, I am realizing that, within my privilege of white middle class educated experience, I am much more used to getting, if not exactly what I want, then getting something close enough that I come out on the winning side and am, thus, able to easily move forward with deserved recognition and well founded optimism. 

I am left struggling to reconcile my own sense of self as a capable person with the version of me that has been seen — yes, sure, appreciated for what I bring but not appreciated enough to give me this next opportunity. 

In among that struggle, I am trying to live up to my own principles of integrity and professionalism while not succumbing to my sinful tendencies of dropping the F-bomb and speaking my mind about what the decision-makers have done. The struggle is a fine line between acceptance and anger. And that is a very fine line indeed. 

But, as Joan Allen’s character says in The Contender, principles are only worth something if you live up to them even when they are inconvenient or difficult for you. And I believe she is right.  

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Photo by Jaleel Akbash on Unsplash