Talking to strangers II

A Post a Day in May 17/31

Yesterday’s post laid out the benefits of talking to strangers. Today’s describes how to engage successfully in conversation with someone whom you do not (yet) know anything about.

What do you say to someone you don’t know? You can’t leap into politics, religion or sex, because you don’t know who the stranger is. This is where small talk comes in. At your peril, underestimate its value and power when meeting strangers.

Small talk gets a bad rap. How useful can anything be that, by its very name, is small? It must be immaterial, right? Well, no. Small talk is everything in social interactions between strangers, because it is the crucial entry point for conversation. If that entry point is not broached, no meaningful conversation can evolve. Silence and distance reign, instead.

But initiating the conversation is the very hardest part of talking to strangers. Which is why being skilled at making small talk is an important social skill. And in that department, we could all take lessons from Queen Elizabeth, who is generally recognized as ranking supreme in the art of small talk. She must have chatted with hundreds of thousands of strangers in the line of duty.

Small talk is understood as being dull. But, according to Georgie Nightingall, founder of Trigger Conversations, a London-based ‘human connection organization’, it is merely the opener to the real conversation. It is like the overture to the main symphony, signalling the music to come. It breaks the ice, warms up the conversational chords, as it were. Nightingall calls it “code for ‘What shall we talk about?’”

The weather, of course! Obviously! And with good reason, says British social anthropologist Kate Fox. The weather is an easy topic to open with: It’s an accessible, shared and familiar experience, making it the ideal topic to establish a first connection with a stranger, and to do so with confidence. The trick is to not leave the conversation there, but to move it towards topics of common interest.

To do that, Nightingall suggests “breaking the script” of auto-pilot small talk by answering questions with specifics rather than generalities (“I’m feeling 7 out of 10 today” rather than “I’m fine, thanks”) or by offering an intriguing statement in response to a routine question ("What do you do?"), as a way to surprise the stranger (“I’ve always wanted to hike the Bruce Trail” instead of “I’m a dentist”). Other ways to develop a conversation with a stranger (or anyone, really) is to ask open-ended questions and to listen actively.

Of course, all this advice about small talk is relevant only if you want to talk to strangers. Introverts are, officially, excused, and if you just would rather not talk to strangers, then, ignore it, don’t make eye contact on the bus, or simply stay home with a book.

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Land acknowledgement: I respectfully recognize that I live on the original lands of Anishinaabe, Cree, Oji-Cree, Dakota and Dene peoples, and on the homeland of the Métis Nation.

Photo by Ridham Nagralawala on Unsplash