'Tis the season for courage and agency: Saying NO in December
Suddenly it’s the final month of the year, the days are rushing by, each one bringing us closer to the holidays — whatever that means for you. December is a month of too much going on, too many expectations, and too little time to do it all with grace and charm.
Well. That’s my experience, anyway.
I remember this month from my full-time teaching days: The term is coming to an end, assignments are piling up — all needing to be graded; students are anxious about marks; Chairs are fierce about today's deadlines being met while also planning for the next term; and somehow in amongst all that are personal preparations for the holidays that fight for attention. I would feel bad for my colleagues with young children for whom the magic of the season NEEDED to happen despite all the requirements of the parents’ jobs. For them, saying NO wasn’t an easy (realistic) option.
But for me now, this year, this season, saying NO is at the top of my list. I have no boss driving an agenda and I have no kids needing magic to happen. And even if I had both, I would hope that I could find the strength to follow Brené Brown’s advice: “Choose discomfort over resentment. Have the courage to be imperfect, to be vulnerable — and to set boundaries.”
Ah yes, setting boundaries. Easier said than done, but so necessary if we are to feel agency in our life.
Saying yes to everything (anything) that we don’t really want to do or don’t have the time to do can lead to resentment. As Brené says, stirring that batch of two dozen cookies you’ve promised to your child’s daycare all the while muttering between clenched teeth ‘why did I say yes? I am so tired. I hate making cookies at midnight. I hope Macie (who asked me to make them) chokes on these cookies!’ That is what resentment sounds like, feels like. That is what being overstretched looks like. And that is not the spirit of the season, no matter what the season means to you.
I have written before about the power of saying NO, of how NO is a complete sentence. I think, today, in our fraught world and in this too-often frantic month of December, it is time to revisit that piece. By all means say YES to what you must and to all else that brings you joy, comfort and peace. But, please, say NO to those non-essential things that leave you worn out, wrung out and empty.
Saying NO takes courage and can feel quite uncomfortable, but it may be the best gift you ever give yourself. And, you may be surprised at the rewards that come your way for digging deep to nurture that sense of agency that puts you in the driver’s seat this December.
Land acknowledgement: I respectfully recognize that I live on the original lands of Anishinaabe, Cree, Oji-Cree, Dakota and Dene peoples, and on the homeland of the Métis Nation.
I must read about Rhimes' Year of Yes -- and would love to read about your own Year of No: what an intriguing idea, Anna-Maria!
ReplyDeleteI remember the days of always saying yes and then wishing I hadn't. My life is different now - growing older makes us braver and being able to set boundaries makes us happier. Thank you for a thoughtful piece. Happy Holidays!
ReplyDeleteTotally agree NO is not a bad word and I’ve learned to use it with age. Thank u for your thoughts Amanda
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reminder!
ReplyDeleteSaying "no" is liberating and honest.
Brené Brown is very wise, well worth reading her books. This was my year of saying yes to something that frightened me but I knew that, if I pulled it off, I would feel on top of the world and I do. Sometimes yes is the right answer even though I really, really didn't want to do it.
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